Well, it's 3 days after my surgery. And I woke up at 7 a.m., BOOOOO. So early! Yesterday, I found out I had to stay the night again. But in the morning, they took my epidural out, along with my catheter, so I was finally able to get up some on my own. Well, I had to if I needed to use the bathroom. I also got to put underwear and my favorite sweatpants on, so I was definitely comfier! After I got off of my epidural, they gave me 2 vicoden pills which helped, and made me really tired. Also, I had some fabulous visitors yesterday! Thank you for coming, Lauren Mason, Amy Voth, Sara Gerlich, Alison Morphey, Nick Neary, and Matt Robinson!! I loved seeing all of you, and it really made my day :)

I watched the Colts game here , had some more visitors, and then got my "yummy" dinner - vegetable soup broth, mushy zucchini, applesauce, and sierra mist. A not-so-great dinner last night, but that's okay. My dad came back last night towards the end of my dinner and we hung out for a big. We ended up going on a walk around the 2nd floor, and I came back and was really sore. The walk really wore me out, and we took a tiny lap. Fail, haha. After that, I took some more vicoden to help the pain, and went to bed for the night around 7:30. My dad left, and here I am, up at 7:20 on Monday morning updating this and watching "Twilight."

My doctor will be in today to most-likely tell me I'm going home, thank goodness! I'm unattached to everything right now, and my nurse even took my IV out. The only thing I have right now is my heart monitor, but even then, I'm allowed to be up and moving when dealing with all of that. So, I can't wait to go home! They let me shower yesterday, and that felt amazing! Bah, I Just can't wait to be in my own home :)

Again, thank you all so much for all you've done. I hope this blog has been helping to understand what achalasia really is, and all of that. Love you all :)

Good morning everyone!

I am very sore today, but that's definitely expected. I'm still in the intensive care unit, but without oxygen, as it was taken off this morning. I still have a trillion tubes coming out of everywhere but that's okay. I'll be moving rooms here in a little bit to a room just in the general hospital where I'll be allowed to use my phone and I can have visitors! You know what that means :) Haha kidding.

I got SOME sleep last night, but was woken up about every hour to have my blood pressure checked, get more labs drawn, etc. So I sleep at odd hours and for weird periods of time. But I discovered the free movie channel! So today I've been up since around 6, and have watched Elf, Kung Fu Panda, and now my mom and I are watching Nights in Rodanthe. Wahoo.

My surgeon, Dr. Freeman, told me I could drink clear liquids today; water, apple juice, and jello are some of the options. So I asked for some water and I'm keeping it down. I started to cry. It's so cold! I can't remember what I said in yesterday's blog, but I had a different surgery than I thought I would, the Heller Myotomy. Dr. Freeman said this time next week, I'll be eating normally again. GRILLED CHEESE!!! YES! But I cried last night too when I heard about that. I still can't get over that I'm keeping water down...it's so exciting. I Just cried again.

I've been having to do breathing exercises, and it's super hard! That sounds weird, but my throat hurts so bad and I'm like, panting after I get up to move to a chair like, inches away.

I'm definitely on the road to recovery, and will be eating with you all so soon! That means I can sit on the inside of a booth now! Haha.

Thank you again for your love and support!

After getting to St. Vincent's at 6:30 a.m., waiting for forever, and having a 2 1/2 hour surgery, I'm HERE! They let me have my computer in intensive care, but not my cell phone. Thanks for texting me everyone...I got to check them, but I couldn't respond. Tomorrow, after I move to a different room, I'll be able to use it, so be prepared for texts because I'm bored!

I had a different surgery than expected -- it was as Heller Myotomy. Only 3 incisions, and this time next week? I'll be able to LEGIT eat :) I'm very sore, but have pain meds or it. I had to have an epidural which was weird; I'm NOT preggers, thank you very much. But it's my source of pain meds, wahoo!

It's hard for me to type because I have a thing on my pointer finger, so this has taken me forever to type...I'll update this more tomorrow.

Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, texts, emails, and Facebook posts! I really really appreciate everything :)

TODAY!

So...I leave in 20 minutes to go to the hospital! I'm very nervous. And VERY excited!!

My check-in is at 6:30, so I'm kind of assuming surgery is at 8 or 9? Who knows. I don't.

I can't imagine what it will be like to swallow something and feel it go into my stomach. I'm just like, speechless. Today my life changes for the better..bah now I'm crying. I can't believe today is THE day. I'm so lucky to have gotten this date and thank you to all my friends and family who have emailed me, written on my Facebook wall, hugged me, etc. You all mean the world to me, and I can't imagine my life without you!

I'll have one of my parents update this sometime today, so check back.

IT'S HERE! IT'S FINALLY HERE! :)

IT'S OFFICIALLY TOMORROW!!

So...TOMORROW is the big day! I can't wait! This morning, one of my sorority sisters and I went to Starbucks for my one last coffee for awhile, because I won't be able to have it afterwards. Hello, yet, goodbye, iced peppermint mocha. The same sister and I were talking last night and we got talking about my surgery and she ended up working in the office where my doctor works all summer and knows my doctor and all that jazz. Kind of a small world!

I am more than ecstatic about tomorrow, and now, really nervous! I've reminded all of my professors about it, and they've been more than helpful which is absolutely amazing. I know all of this sprung up on them really quickly, so I really appreciate them being so flexible and helping me out. It puts less stress on me knowing all of this!

I'm getting kind of nervous about the whole thing now. A lot of people are asking me questions about it; the more I talk about it, the more anxious I get. I feel very confident in what I talk about, though. My parents and I have done a lot of research on what the procedure is, information about the doctor, etc. I like to show people certain website (they have pictures, and it's a LOT easier to explain) or just direct them towards the blog. I know everything will be okay, but I can't help having that ounce of nervousness in the back of my mind.

My mom said she'll update this for me tomorrow once I get out of surgery and all that jazz. Joke's over if she posts ANY pictures, ugh. Haha.

But yeah, this is officially my last post before I'm all better, YAY!! Again, I really appreciate everyone's support, prayers, thoughts, and kind words of encouragement. Can't wait to see you all again in January!

My surgery this week and I'm getting nervous about it. Don't get me wrong, I'm SO EXCITED about it, and about getting the chance to essentially start my life over again. I'm getting more and more nervous about it because people are asking me about it!

The past two nights I've had dreams about the surgery, haha. The first one, I woke up right as the doctor was pushing open the doors getting ready to tell my parents something. That freaked me out a little bit. Then, last night's was me waking up from the anesthesia as they were cutting into my stomach. BAH! A tad freaky if you ask me.

The more I think about it, the more paranoid I get, and then that stresses me out, which causes me to literally keep NOTHING down. And then thinking about the 5.9 trillion things I need to get done this week stresses me out, as well.

BAH this is me freaking out.

Okay, I'm calm!

A lot of people have asked me about visiting and my address and stuff...GUYS. I'll be there like, one night, haha. Really don't know, though. I'll be at home for most of the time, so feel free to shoot me or my parents a text to see if I'm up and stop on by! I'm sure I'll love having visitors :)

My mom said she'd update my blog this weekend for me, and said that if anyone wanted to be texted updates, she could do that, as well. Haha, oh Michelle. Love you.

I'll be writing probably everyday this week...be on the lookout! Thank you ALL :)

Thanksgiving :)

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving with their family! It's great to be home, that's for sure! My break so far as consisted of me being SO lazy! And I'm loving every minute of it :) It's definitely a MUCH needed break!

Thanksgiving was hard for me. I sat with a scoop of mashed potatoes on my plate picking at them while listening to everyone else chewing and going "Mmm, this is SO GOOD." I got fed up, cleared my plate, went upstairs, threw myself a pity party and cried for a minute, and then took a nap. I'm such a party pooper. But I felt it was pointless for me to sit there and listen to that. I enjoyed being around my family and talking to them, but with all the food on the table, it was rough. Blah. Oh well.

I went to the doctor on Wednesday morning because I have a rash on my chest, stomach, and arms, and my mom is paranoid about me being healthy before my surgery. She has every right, I guess, but it's kind of funny now. Anyways, just on Claritin to clear the rash up, and the doctor said that it won't conflict with the surgery.

I went shopping pretty much all day yesterday, and asked to go back out, and my mom was all, "You need to stay close to home. I don't want something to happen to you before Friday." Okay, okay, I get it. So, my apologies now to all of my friends who want me to be a rebel and do fun things this week. After thinking about it, I don't want to risk ANYTHING.

The countdown is officially LESS THAN ONE WEEK!! Ahhh, this time next week I'll be passed out laying in my bed...but I'm ok with it! Haha. I am so ECSTATIC that this is finally happening! I'm also really stressed out. I come back home next Thursday, December 3 after my night class and won't be returning to BSU except to take my finals; even then, it's going to be my mom or dad driving me up there, waiting until I'm done taking the test, and then driving right back home. That's the second week of my bedrest, so really, I shouldn't even be going anyways, but it has to happen. I have so much to do this week! Ah! It's a crazy week, that's for sure: getting everything done before finals, Phi Mu's initiation week, slating for Phi Mu, etc. I'm also missing formal the weekend of my surgery...I'm so bummed! I had my dress picked out and everything :( Oh well. Surgery is WAY worth missing it, and there will definitely be more to come.

6 DAYS
6 DAYS!
6 DAYS!!
6 DAYS!!!

Ah, SO EXCITED! Thanks to everyone who's still been there for me, and especially my best friend Kelly for sending me a package with seasons from my favorite show, Desperate Housewives, and some other movies for me to watch these next couple of weeks :) I really appreciate it!!

Thank you all so much!

"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." - Philippians 4:13

GOOD NEWS!

Hey everyone!

I finally found out my surgery date! It will be December 4 at (I'm pretty sure) St. Vincent's in Indianapolis. I AM SO EXCITED! I cried when I found out, haha. I'm very very excited to be able to have my life back again! I've had so much support throughout this whole ordeal and I really appreciate everyone's love and compassion towards me. You have absolutely no idea how much it means to me.

One of my friends Alison suggested I do this, so here it is:

A year ago, I was 70 pounds heavier. Before:



After:




This disease has its positive and negative aspects of it. Clearly, I was not healthy at all. I mean, I'm still not, but the before and after pictures just do it for me. I can't believe I was that bad. Achalasia came, really, at the perfect time for me. It's not necessarily a blessing, but I'm almost happy that this happened to me. It was God's way of telling me to get a lifestyle change, and think about what really matters. Drama, parties, etc. are things that I could honestly care less about. I'm more worried about my health in general, and because I've gotten so much help, I want to give back, and Dance Marathon is doing that for me.

I'm extremely happy this surgery is finally in the books. I'm so excited to get better!! :)

Keep reading :) Thank you all for everything!!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths." -Proverbs 3:5,6

This gets me through the weeks. It's so hard living with this. I don't mean to complain, but it's so annoying. I literally don't do anything with my friends anymore because I'm too embarrassed that I'll get sick. I went to Thai Smile in Muncie the other night with my roommate, and one of the first things she said to me was, "I don't know where the bathroom is." She makes sure to scope it out for me as soon as we get into a restaurant. Super nice, but, shouldn't be happening.

I'm really embarrassed and very self-conscious, and can't wait until my surgery. This will give me a brand new life, and I'm so excited for it.

Thanks for reading.

I HAVE GOOD NEWS!!

I have potential surgery dates that I will find out FOR SURE on Monday! It will either be December 4 or the 14. I am SO EXCITED!! Can't talk a lot for now, but thank you for all of your prayers and concerns. I'll finally be able to get better :)

Love you all :)

I realized after my best friend Kelly came into town and said something to me and after there was nasty stuff on my pillow case the other night that I've been throwing up in my sleep and not even realizing it. That concerns me, and I'm a tad nervous about all of that. I told one of my roommates about that and she's making me keep my door unlocked from now on, haha. Okay, it's not really a laughing matter, and it freaks me out a bit. It's scary to know that I don't realize I do that!

Everyday I lose more and more weight. I weighed myself this morning and I'm down 60 pounds from when this whole thing started. Somedays, when I think I actually am eating well, those are the days that are the worst. I can tell when food goes into my stomach because it rarely happens, so now when it DOES happen, my stomach gets really upset and I feel nauseous.

I talked to one of my professors yesterday about possibly getting surgery ASAP when my surgeon comes back. She's one of the profs that I thought wouldn't be a big fan of all of that, and would be a pain in the butt to try and work with, but she was actually very nice, and very helpful about the whole thing. Way to go, Kelli!

That's all for now. Thanks for reading :)

Halloween Weekend

I hope everyone had a fabulous weekend! In Muncie, it was full of crazy people in the craziest costumes (although the Oompa Loompa was LEGIT), too many alcoholic beverages, and too many cops. Oh well. It's Halloween in a college town...what do you expect?

I wish my doctor would get home from his vacation already...as I was talking to my dad on the phone today, I realized how pathetic my eating schedule is, haha. He named off a few things I could make for dinner and I replied like this to them: "Mac and cheese doesn't go down well" and "No pasta, because when it comes up, it's gross" and "Yeah, well water isn't even staying down, so no food here." Kind of sad.

I didn't go to a date party I was invited to last night because I didn't want to embarrass my date. I felt really bad, but I couldn't keep anything down yesterday, and I didn't want people talking to him saying, "Why does your date leave every 2 seconds?" after every drink I took. I really wanted to go, but I didn't want to upset my date, and I didn't want to embarrass myself.

It's things like these I take for granted now...I felt absolutely horrible, but was too embarrassed to go to a party because I couldn't drink. That's pretty bad. I hate feeling this way. It will be all over (hopefully) soon! :)

Hope everyone enjoys the rest of the weekend, and has a good start to the week. More to come...

One of those days...

I hate paying for food I don't eat, haha. I'm so broke from a few dollars here and there spent on things I take 2 or 3 bites of. So annoying.

This week has/will be the hardest of my year so far. It's also the week that my best friend is visiting me from Chicago. It's just really stressful, which isn't helping my situation out any. I really hate getting up in the middle of the Atrium or somewhere else on campus to run to the bathroom. I hate having to look to sit at the end of the table or a booth at a restaurant so I don't have to ask the person sitting next to me to get up when I have to. I hate when waiters ask me if my food tasted okay because it didn't look like anything was gone from it. Bahh. Okay, sorry, I told ya, just one of those days...

Frustration

Last night and today were really frustrating days for me. Last night, I went to QDoba with 2 of my good friends and 1 girl who was a friend of my girlfriend's, someone I'd never met before. She obviously didn't know my history, so getting up and going to the bathroom about 4 times in front of her was really awkward. Everytime I came back and sat down she would look at me like I had bulimia, which is obviously not the case. I don't know...just one of those awkward times where it's stupid to explain to her what's going on because I don't know if I'll ever be hanging out with her again. One of those things.

I woke up (at home! Yay for Fall Break!) and was sick. Just the bad headache, weird stomach, achey sick feeling. I slept for most of the day, and couldn't keep anything down. My mom tried telling me to take Tylenol, but I knew that wouldn't stay down either. It's frustrating because I know medicine would help, but it doesn't stay down, and sometimes my parents don't understand that. They tell me to crush the pills up and put it in water or applesauce, but they don't get that the water or applesauce is the type of stuff that doesn't stay down. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's just hard explaining to them how I feel about this some of the time. My mom used to tell me to stop burping, before she knew what was going on, and it was something I couldn't help. If I'd tell her that, she'd just get mad and say something along the lines of how rude it is, and not to do it, etc. Oh well.

Sometimes it's hard for me to share how I actually feel. Like I've said before, some days are better than others, and people don't understand that. I don't expect them to, but it's just hard.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day, and I'll be able to eat a little bit. I'm looking forward to blogging again, and appreciate how many of you out there are keeping up-to-date with this...thank you!

Yesterday and This Morning

My mom wanted a second opinion on getting surgery, so this past Thursday, I went home for another endoscopy. The doctor took pictures of the inside of my stomach and esophagus (pretty gross) and confirmed that I needed the surgery. He prescribed me some medicine to hold me off until the surgery, and basically it allows me to eat a little bit. I'm supposed to take it a half hour before I eat meals, but he said it'd give me a headache and probably make me feel dizzy. I've been running everywhere this week so I hadn't had a chance to take it until last night, before heading to Puerta Vallarta's (best Mexican place in Funcie) for a girls dinner. I was definitely able to eat more, but he was right - my headache was KILLER last night, and I was definitely dizzy.

I didn't know if the headache was worth eating a little more...it probably was, but it wasn't last night. I know I should take the medicine, but I just feel horrible when I do. We'll figure something out.

One of the things I miss most is bread! I can't remember the last time I had a bagel, yummm! My roommate talks about grilled cheese all the time and my mouth waters, haha. Not really, but yeah. Bread seems to get "stuck" in my esophagus easier than anything else, and it's not worth all the trouble I'd have to go through to eat it, so I just try and avoid it. That means getting the naked burrito at QDoba, the Unwich at Jimmy John's, and never eating PB&J, the ultimate sandwich! Again, it's something I've learned to live with, so it's not a big deal anymore.

Fall Break starts for me tonight at 9:30 p.m. so tomorrow I will be sleeping in and then heading back to Carmel, YAY! Hopefully this weekend at home will be full of fun with my family.

More later! Thanks for reading :)

Welcome!

Hi everyone!

I should have started this blog a little over a year ago when I was sick everyday, and before I was diagnosed with achalasia. Achalasia means "failure to relax" and (according to www.mayoclinic.org) is a "relatively rare disorder of the esophagus (the passageway from the mouth to the stomach) that makes it difficult for food and liquid to pass into the stomach." Which is exactly what it is: difficult (to live with). What this means is that literally every time I take a couple of bites of food, I have to (excuse me) throw up. The food (and even drink - water is a pain some days!) gets backed up in my esophagus making it difficult for me to breathe, as well as it being relatively uncomfortable just being able to feel it sit there.

This all started about the beginning of October in 2008. After about a week of "eating" lunch and dinner, I realized I kept getting sick and was not able to keep my food down. I called home crying and my parents knew there clearly was a problem. I had an endoscopy done (they stuck a tube down my throat and ballooned it open so I would be able to start eating) and my doctor thought I had something called Schatzki's Ring, a narrowing of the esophagus that causes difficulty swallowing. That helped for a little but, but after a couple of weeks, I kept getting sick. I had another endoscopy done and after that one, the doctor came in and told my dad," I don't think she has Schatzki's Ring after all." He ordered a Barium Swallow test and that clearly defined my disease: achalasia. Achalasia can be fixed in 3 ways, the way that will work for me is surgery because I'm young and "healthy." Once my surgeon comes back from a vacation out of the country on November 9 (rough life) I'll be scheduling surgery and getting everything fixed! The surgery will be done laparoscopically and is a 2-4 day stay in the hospital, a 2-3 week recovery, and a 6 week liquid diet. Hopefully, by the start of the new semester, I'll be good as new!

This is a "day-in-the-life" sort of thing with me, a young adult living with achalasia. People take many things a day for granted: living in a house, being able to drive places, even walking. What people may not understand is that to me, people take eating for granted. That sounds silly and petty almost stupid, but there are sometimes I go without eating for a couple of days in a row just because I literally cannot eat anything, and it comes right back up. There are some days I cry because I'm hungry. There are also some days that I can eat a little bit of food; it just depends...some days are better than others.

This is not in any way, shape, or form a pity party for me. I've been living with this for a little over a year now and it's sad but I'm used to it at this point. Some days are harder than others, and at this point, I'm embarrassed to go out to eat because I have to get up frequently in the middle of the meal. It shouldn't be something to be embarrassed about, but it bothers me, so I try not to eat out often.

All of my family and friends have been very supportive of me living with this. My good friends understand why I have to get up every few minutes or so, and understand when I come back with my eyes red, or little dots around my face. I don't tell everyone I have it, but people know I'm being different. I've lost 51 pounds from this disease, and it honestly couldn't have come at a better time. I was very unhealthy, and losing all of this weight hasn't been done in a very healthy matter, but it's happened regardless, and it's something I can't help.

I'll be updating this frequently, just telling a little bit of this and that about living with the disease. It's hard, it's frustrating, and it's something that is now a part of me. I hope this makes people more aware of what achalasia is, and helps people to understand why I do what I do.

Thanks, and happy reading :)